His sudden death profoundly ruptured my life and lifestyle. I reeled in disorientation, and roiled in sadness, trying to find solid ground. And one day I came to realize that some kind of decision had been made for me; one over which I had no control. I had no choice but to accept it.

Oddly, an inner voice reassured me that this new reality would prove to be perversely freeing in its accelerating force— and this was a voice I would not and could not hear, at first.

What was I doing when I got the call? So many people want to know. I was working with a client. My assistant, who never interrupts a session, tapped on the door. She told me that my husband’s secretary was on the phone and needed to speak to me. My hands and feet seemed to move in frozen slow motion; my own voice sounded disembodied. In response to my simple questions, the secretary’s answers were cryptic. Richard had collapsed-nothing was clear, nothing was certain. All I knew was that I had to drive to the hospital immediately. Only then would the truth be revealed. I knew better than to press for more information.

“I’m sorry,” I told my client. “There has been an emergency with my husband.”

“Let me drive you,” he said. “Let me help.”

NO!

I’m sure I said “No thank you” though by now, in shock, I was on automatic pilot, polite and mechanical..

I had to go alone. I had to be alone. I had no idea what rush of emotions might overtake me: if I would cry, if I would become ill, if I would have to stop the car and beat the steering wheel and scream. All I knew was that whatever I might do, whatever random choices my body might make, the last thing I needed was a witness, an audience.

“No. Thank you.”

Yes, I’m sure that’s what I must have said.

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Genre – NonFiction

Rating – G

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